I wasn’t sure whether to write about this but it’s quite a revelation for me. I’m not usually the jealous type, or even particularly insecure. Today, I felt the pang of jealousy… this is something that’s not really bothered me for many years. I felt quite embarrassed by my feelings. Despite the fact that I know that it’s ok to have these feelings, and actually quite healthy to experience them. I was actually quite embarrassed to be left feeling insecure.
For many years now, I had made myself ’emotionally unavailable’ in my romantic relationships. Perhaps not on the outside but most definitely internally. Hung up for far too many years on one person, I didn’t allow anyone else to get too deep underneath my layers. No plans to let any man make me feel insecure or jealous again.
Something was mentioned this afternoon by my boyfriend, quite innocently. Had he mentioned it a few weeks ago I probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. Today though, the jealousy crept up over me like a tidal wave. The feeling was familiar but it shocked me. I kept thinking ‘this isn’t like me’.
Later on, I confessed to my 16-year-old son. He said ‘It’s probably because you have finally opened up, plus you seem to hold him in high regard’ the boy is smart like his mother… Then he said ‘Don’t attach thought to it. Meditate on it’
I realize that all the time I’ve been thinking he doesn’t listen to me when I coach mindfulness, actually it is sinking in and he is the voice of reason when I’m about to lose the plot. I did not attach thoughts to those feelings. I meditated on it until the emotion dissipated. This is the beauty of mindfulness. You don’t have to become a slave to your thoughts. You can change the game and observe instead, without judgment and with compassion. Once upon a time, that emotion would have likely caused me to shift and stay in ‘ego-mode’ long enough for me to say/do spiteful things and perhaps cause arguments. I’m just being honest here! It should be noted that the feeling is quite healthy, it’s how you react to the feeling that determines whether it’s unhealthy or not.
Thank goodness for mindfulness!